The Second Annual Academy Aweirds

Horror in Hollywood! In a pre-Academy Awards gathering with most of the nominees for the 85th annual ceremony, a large meteorite even larger than the one which recently exploded over Russia, struck TCL Chinese Theater, tragically killing everyone inside*. 

This comes just one year after President Tom Sherak, fed up with the slate of nominees, memorably threw out all the original contenders and chose his own list of honourees 

In a race to salvage the upcoming festivities and ensure that all the champagne and lavish gift baskets which were already purchased wouldn’t go to waste, members of The AMPAS converged at a secret location to quickly come up with replacement nominees. 

The list of fresh major contenders was quickly uploaded to the new electronic voting system, along with urgent emails and phone calls to voting members explaining the dire situation. Though many votes were submitted, the turnout was far lower than the first round due to the large number of members who don’t have computers or phones. 

We bring this new list of nominees (and our prediction of the winner) to you in the hopes you have time to adjust your own Oscar pools in time for this Sunday’s ceremony.

Best Picture 

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Hitchcock
The Impossible
The Master
Moonrise Kingdom
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Rust and Bone
The Sessions
Skyfall 

Winner: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 
 

Best Director 

Paul Thomas Anderson, The Master
Wes Anderson, Moonrise Kingdom
Juan Antonio Bayona, The Impossible
Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
John Madden, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 

Winner: John Madden, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 
 

Best Actor 

Anthony Hopkins, Hitchcock
John Hawkes, The Sessions
Richard Gere, Arbitrage
Bill Nighy, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Ewan McGregor, The Impossible 

Winner: John Hawkes, The Sessions 
 

Best Actress 

Marion Cotillard , Rust and Bone
Judi Dench, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Helen Mirren, Hitchcock
Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Smashed
Michelle Williams, Take This Waltz 

Winner: Judi Dench, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 
 

Best Supporting Actress 

Maggie Smith, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Susan Sarandon, Arbitrage
Kelly Reilly, Flight
Frances McDormand, Moonrise Kingdom
Nicole Kidman, The Paperboy 

Winner: Maggie Smith, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 

 

Best Supporting Actor 

Leonardo DiCaprio, Django Unchained
Michael Pena, End of Watch
Matthew McConaughey, Magic Mike
William H. Macy, The Sessions
Javier Bardem, Skyfall 

Winner: Leonardo DiCaprio, Django Unchained 
 

Best Original Screenplay 

Paul Thomas Anderson, The Master
Rian Johnson, Looper
Martin McDonagh, Seven Psychopaths
Nicholas Jarecki, Arbitrage
Sergio G. Sánchez and María Belón, The Impossible 

Winner: Paul Thomas Anderson, The Master
 

Best Adapted Screenplay 

Ol Parker, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Ben Lewin, The Sessions
Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower              
John J. McLaughlin, Hitchcock
Neal Purvis, Robert Wade and John Logan, Skyfall 

Winner: Ol Parker, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 

*No Academy Award nominees were harmed in the writing of this post.