Jackass 3D hits theaters Friday to much anticipation, at least on my part. Seems only logical to make a list of my favorite stunts from the first two films in honor of this memorable event, wouldn’t you agree? Please feel free to comment with your own favorites.
10. Wee-Man’s Kick to the Head - Um, Wee-Man, a midg-, uh, little person, kicks himself in the head. And it’s funny.
9. The Sea Cucumber - For those not in the know, sea cucumbers -- a rather...phallic creature -- have a unique reaction to being irritated: they shoot white threads out of their end. Steve-O and Pontius, armed with this information, go hunting for them in the vast waters of somewhere. Upon finding them, they strategically place them against their bodies and uh, stroke them till that climactic moment occurs. Crass humor at its best.
8. The Switcheroo - Poor Phil and April Margera are such good sports in these movies as they are often the butt of cruel yet funny jokes perpetrated by their son, Bam. In this sequence, Phil joins the jokesters as they switch him out in the middle of the night with a Phil-ed up Preston, who Bam orders to “get frisky” with April. In the course of fending off “her husband’s” advances, April gets the sense that she may not be with the actual Phil and calls out his name. Preston responds with a big, rapisty “what?” and April flips out.
7. Big Red Rocket - Knoxville, intent on riding a huge rocket blasting off across the English Channel, casually dismisses the fact that he was almost killed when the rocket malfunctions and shoots out the side of it, missing his chest and heart by inches.
“If that had been just over here,” he notes, “that’d be a picture wrap on ol’ Knoxville ha ha ha ha!”
He then gains a replacement and, not deterred in the slightest, blasts 60 feet up in the air, landing in the channel.
6. Terror Taxi - Danger Ehren seems to be the kid everyone in the gang of friends picks on the most within the camaraderie of this group. Taking a pretty tasteless terrorist joke and turning the tables on their own reaps benefits among benefits in this sketch, which Bam described as “the best skit of this movie [Jackass Number Two].” As Ehren attempts to scare a cab driver, the driver abruptly turns the tables on him by pulling a gun and forcing him into the trunk, making him fear for his life. As if that weren’t enough, he’s sporting Team Jackass’s pubic hair on his face at the same time.
5. Irving Zissman, Old Man Balls, and Gloria the Old Lady’s Wardrobe Malfunction - Some of the best skits involve aging the crew and screwing with the general public. Spike Jonze and Johnny Knoxville are Gloria and Irving Zissman. Gloria has the misfortune of having her rather saggy 80-year-old boobs falling out of her dress. An astute bystander notes:
“Hey, yo titty out.”
Meanwhile, Irving has made the decision to wear some shorts that are just a little too short, and his testicles get some fresh air because of it. When he’s not disgusting nearby diners and shoe salesmen, he falls victim to a dog who think his boys are chew toys.
4. Toro-Totter - Most of these stunts make you question the sanity of the participants, but this one deserves placement in its own special category. Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Ryan Dunn, and Chris Pontius engage in a four-way teeter totter set in the middle of a bullring, with one really pissed off bull trying to kill them. Knoxville himself takes a vicious beating after all his teammates abandon him and there are several moments as the bull is ramming him against the metal structure where you wonder if he will in fact make it out alive. Just as you’re certain his legs are broken and his lungs punctured, he finds a hole and sprints to safety.
3. Butt X-Ray - Steve-O, the guy who chugged an entire beer with his anus then plunged it out, refused to consider this stunt. Ryan Dunn instead volunteered. The act, which involves an x-ray of the abdominal area which may or may not have a Hot-Wheels car inside of it, provides plenty of laughs as the technician can’t believe what she sees and the radiologist councils Dunn, in front of what would turn out to be millions of audience members, that “the cameraman knows, that’s already too much. Don’t tell anyone!”
Perhaps the best line of the exchange comes when Dunn is “informed” of what’s going on.
“How did a car toy get there?” He ponders aloud.
“Maybe you shoved it up your ass,” the radiologist replies.
2. Bad Grandpa - As you can tell the head of this list of is top-heavy with stunts that embarrass or take advantage of unsuspecting civilians. That’s just what happens to float my boat, and Bad Grandpa is a prime example. Johnny Knoxville, in prosthetics and clothing that make him look 60 years old, shows up at an outdoor cafe with his 12-year-old grandson and proceeds to give him alcohol (“That’ll put lead in your pencil”) and cigarettes in front of strangers, some of which laugh at it and others which feel they have to take corrective action. Grandpa Knoxville picks a fight with a guy and almost gets beat down after taunting him:
“You’re letting that bulldog mouth overload that puppy dog ass!”
Once the situation is averted, Grandpa escorts the kid away.
“It’s time for Grandpa’s massage.”
“The massage with the happy ending?”
“Yep.”
1. Golf Course Airhorn - For some reason (actually it’s quite obvious), this stunt makes me laugh harder than any other one they’ve done. Three of them set up camp in the woods next to a golf course and blast an airhorn on every downstroke of their often elderly victims. One golfer gets angry enough to throw his driver at the group, as Knoxville humbly explains that he has bursitis.
“You have bursitis,” the guy says. “So that means you have to play with a horn?”
“It helps,” Knoxville says.
“I’ll give you something to play with pal.” (best unintentional sexual innuendo disguised as a threat goes to this guy).
Eventually the angry golfer’s buddy decides to get payback by hitting golf balls at the trio. Knoxville’s answer to this is the best payoff of the whole series if you ask me. #1 Stunt: Golf Course Airhorn. It’s simple, not disgusting, not dangerous (relatively), but incredibly hilarious.
Obviously, it’s been a while since Player Affinity has had such a prestigious, classy list. Hopefully, some of these will get bumped by the third installment of the Jackass franchise. Below, I took the liberty of listing some of the more outrageous stunts. Call it an Honorable/Horrifying/Disgusting Mention of sorts. Those who’ve seen the Jackass films will know instantly what these are, and understand why they’re here. Those who haven’t don’t really need to find out. They are a couple of stunts I could’ve done without.
Papercuts
The Horse
The Brand
The Fish Hook
The Leech Healer
The Butt Chug
