Be fearful gamers! The Rapture is upon us! According to a radio evangelist, on May
21st the righteous will ascend to heaven, while sinners are sent to
roast in eternal hellfire! Having
spent most of our lives playing murder simulators, and teabaging virtual
corpses in shooter games, we’re all going to fry! But our salvation is at hand, because I’ve found a list of
games we can all play to earn some good karma and maybe buy our way into
heaven. Read on as though your
soul depends upon it!
1: Left Behind: Eternal Forces- Yes, this crappy series of books about The Rapture was
adapted into other media, including some laughably terrible movies staring Kirk
Cameron. Among the franchise
cash-ins was a series of bad strategy games that challenged you to convert
heathens, thus granting them access to Heaven. Or you could just kill the infidels and send them straight
to Hell where they belong. However
I’m sure that the game’s campaign will give you the information you need to
weasel your way into paradise if you pay close attention to the tutorials. Best of all, you can download it from
the developers website in time to redeem yourself before Jesus comes to gather
the righteous.
2: Mass Effect 2- Okay, let’s be honest about the
inspiration for this story.
Commander Shepard is Jesus.
He dies, then is reborn to save humanity. Also… Shepard, Shepherd. Get it?
Now that we all understand
that Mass Effect 2 isn’t really about robots, and blue space lesbians, we can
try find out how we can exploit this story about the son of God to get into
heaven. Throughout the game,
players are given moral choices that effect the story. It’s a lot like a big ethics exam, and
all you have to do pass is constantly ask “What would Jesus do”? When our vengeful God comes to punish
all of the evil doers, just hand him a flashdrive containing your Mass Effect
game save file with a perfect “Paragon” alignment rating, and you’ve got a “Get
out of Hell free” card.
Just a heads up; this game
takes a loooong time to play through, so download it right now, and ignore all
of the sidequests!
3: Bioshock- Oh come on, how easy is this? If I’ve learned anything from reading
Sarah Palin’s books it’s that Jesus is a fiscal conservative. The Bioshock games are heavily
influenced by the works of Ayn Rand, whose philosophy inspired the Tea Party
and many conservative Republicans like Sarah Palin. But let’s face it, books have a lot of words, and you ain’t
gonna read Atlus Shrugged before The Rapture hit.
But you do have time to play some games before the Heavenly Host arrives
to kill the unworthy with their flaming swords. If you want to get into Heaven when The Rapture comes, just
get in line with some Tea Party activists, and spout off everything you learned
from Bioshock about finance and government. If you can memorize a few Andrew Ryan speeches, you’ll blend
in perfectly with Sarah Palin’s followers as they file through the Pearly
Gates. It also won’t hurt if you
buy the Bioshock 2 DLC pack called “Rapture Metro”.
If you’re reading this after
The Rapture, then that probably means you played the wrong game at some point,
and earned the wrath of God with some virtual sins. Check out our list of Games That Will Get You Left Behind
When The Rapture Comes to see what game you shouldn’t have played!