Welcome to Movie Supervillainy for Dummies, your step-by-step guide to unadulterated evil. Thinking off tossing away that death ray? Well fear not! During the course of this handy manual, you will learn how to go from hilarious to nefarious in no time at all!
Section 1: Name
Your name is your identity and your identity your name, so start off strong with a title that strikes fear as much as it does contemplation for its cleverness.
The more menacing the better
Avoid double entedres and lame variations of other superhero/villain names. There are good reasons why Bushmaster, Hypo-Hustler a
nd Polka-Dot Man never made it to the big leagues. Only when Penguins and Robins strike fear into the hearts of many are they to be suitable names for masked crusaders (animals with teeth and/or claws are recommended).
Alliteration and rhyming are your friends
Lex Luthor and the late Dr. Octopus PHD rose to the ranks due to a catchy moniker.
Avoid:
“The”, “Mr.” “Mrs.”, “Amazing” and “Awesome” in your name. An evil villain is a classy villain; nobody likes a braggart.
Section 2: Appearance
Even the most terrifying alter ego can be eclipsed by a bright green question mark suit; visit your local fabric store and look over colour swatches before becoming attached.
Avoid:
Capes. The late “Buddy” (a.k.a. Syndrome) did not heed warnings and was sucked into an airplane engine. In addition, a lack of air flow makes your potential dramatic entrance feeble and embarrassing.
Spandex is not your friend
(nor are pointy nipples on your outfit)
Masks are a must
Your secret identity is your most valuable weapon. Hiding in plain site is only good for white-collar criminals.
Stroking animals is not intimidating
The pioneering villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld, once the chief nemesis of the alcoholic womanizer James Bond, is now sadly a spokesperson for a popular brand of toilet paper. The lesson: never associate yourself with white fluffy felines.
Avoid:
Wise-cracking sidekicks. The classic evil organization “Disney” turned out some of the most malicious villains of its time, but wise-cracking parrots (See Aladdin) only draw away attention from the most important element: you.
Accentuate, don’t hide your horrible disfigurement. Not disfigured? Don’t fret, during your long career as a supervillain you’re bound to suffer horrendous injuries.
Section 3: Oral Presentation
Strike fear into the heart of your enemies with an ominous boisterous articulation of your planned evil-doings. Sometimes the little things can make all the difference; watch your acoustics when giving speeches to a large crowd.
One liners show your playful side
Have you ever danced with the Devil by the pale moonlight?
Avoid voiceovers/narration
Show by doing not by explaining; extortion and kidnapping are worth a thousand words
Speak in a deep voice, but don’t growl
Though the Caped Crusader might have trumped the recent sensation The Joker in
Develop a signature evil laugh
What The Joker didn’t accomplish in an end game he made up for in a menacing giggle. Keep a recording handy for those nasally days.
Section 4: Physical Abilities
Sadly, only 1-in-10 potential evildoers are gifted with powers in today’s society, but don’t fret, because there are two surefire tactics to reach your dreams!
Gadgets
As much as Batman needs his grappling gun, so will you your nefarious contraptions. Thanks to technology, anyone can become super and you know what they say about that: “Once everyone’s super, no one is.” Don’t put your enemies in elaborate contraptions, because while you may “expect” them to die, often the outcome is far less gratifying. Kill first and ask questions later.
Powers
Not sold on gadgets? History has taught us a number of nifty ways to juice yourself up, so to speak. Just consult our “Quick Guide to Superpowers” at the end of this session. With any luck, one of, or a lucky combination will skyrocket you to the highest ilk of evil.
Congratulations! You’re almost there! Now that you’ve got your image and powers down it’s on to…
Section 5: The Final “Don’ts” of Villainy
Don’t hesitate to destroy landmarks; make a big enough impression and you will be more famous than the
Don’t become obsessed with your nemesis; diversify -- there are plenty of sticky-sweet do-gooders out there.
Don’t be afraid to kill; be proactive. Start with a vagrant and work your way up to the president.
Don’t forget about funding. Who will pay for that shiny new lair?
You’ve done it! You’re finally a supervillain. Through the course of this lesson, you’ve got your look down and your powers primed. Just remember, never compromise and be sure to check out Megamind in theaters Friday.
Quick Guide to Superpowers
A Alloy (metal) B Birth (at) C Cold (Extreme) D Death E Electricity F Freak (See Accidents) G Genetics H Heat (Extreme) I Insects K Krypton (See Extraterrestrial) L Lucifer M Mutation N Nuclear O Occultism P Poison R Resurrection S Spiders T Toxic Waste U Uranium V Virus W Water X X-Rays Y Youth (Eternal)
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